Mercies in Disguise

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

and what if the trials of this life, the rain the storms the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise

The words at the top of this post, are words that I have played over and over again in my head the last several weeks.  This greater thirst, these trials I know deep down there is a reason for them.  I know that God is pointing Kevin and I to Him and His path for us, towards His greater purpose.

Having not been to a doctor regarding woman's health, infertility or anything in several years I finally decided it was time to go back.  I struggled with fear, worried that I would have a doctor that wouldn't listen to me, that would treat me like the last one did and it was very very difficult to go back.  My new doctor, didn't like my diagnosis of premature ovarian failure, and stated to me she was going to start over pretending I had no diagnosis find the problem and solve it so I could get pregnant because "your so young, and we can get you pregnant".  How can one not get their hopes up after a conversation such as this?  So after lots of blood work, ultrasounds, etc... and then the days of waiting.  I finally got the fun call I was looking for... but the results I was not.  As I was driving, I answered the phone. My sweet doctors voice on the other line stated "unfortunately the test results do conclude primary ovarian failure, and there is NO HOPE that you will ever naturally conceive a child and be a mother"

Those words, are so striking and in that moment my voice faltered, my heart dropped.  It was as the wind had been knocked out of me all over again. I looked in the rear-view mirror at the almost 2 year old I was babysitting, next to me at her 11 year old brother, who didn't understand what was going on and I could not hold back the tears.  So many thoughts ran through my head, I'm like a second mother to so many children, a teacher, a mentor, and I hope a source of much joy and inspiration in so many little lives... and yet what I long for more then anything is to be called mommy.

I have devoted my life, to caring for these little blessings and I will continue to do so.  I know one day I will hear those words.  Perhaps not in the way I have always dreamed of but I know God has some greater plans.  After 2 days of crying, and nights of pain.... This song reminded me that GOD is merciful.  HE has a path for us, and all things will be revealed in the end. So now, my prayer and for those of you who pray for me.  Is that I would continue to feel God's peace on this roller-coaster.  My prayer is not that He would calm this storm, because that is a certainty for all storms have an ending.  My prayer is simply that I would be able to hold on to Him, to feel His comfort and continue to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a reason for this journey, and that all things will happen in time.  My prayer is that I would continue to see His blessings and that Kevin and I would know HIS Peace and direction.  That we would not try and end this on our own, trying to make things fit into our plans and our time, but instead that we would know and understand the steps to take that will continue us down His path.

For those of you struggling with this, I pray for you.  MY heart breaks for you, and I pray that you can find the Lords peace too.  That you can take courage and know that this time in your life is a Mercy in disguise.