Mercies in Disguise

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

and what if the trials of this life, the rain the storms the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise

The words at the top of this post, are words that I have played over and over again in my head the last several weeks.  This greater thirst, these trials I know deep down there is a reason for them.  I know that God is pointing Kevin and I to Him and His path for us, towards His greater purpose.

Having not been to a doctor regarding woman's health, infertility or anything in several years I finally decided it was time to go back.  I struggled with fear, worried that I would have a doctor that wouldn't listen to me, that would treat me like the last one did and it was very very difficult to go back.  My new doctor, didn't like my diagnosis of premature ovarian failure, and stated to me she was going to start over pretending I had no diagnosis find the problem and solve it so I could get pregnant because "your so young, and we can get you pregnant".  How can one not get their hopes up after a conversation such as this?  So after lots of blood work, ultrasounds, etc... and then the days of waiting.  I finally got the fun call I was looking for... but the results I was not.  As I was driving, I answered the phone. My sweet doctors voice on the other line stated "unfortunately the test results do conclude primary ovarian failure, and there is NO HOPE that you will ever naturally conceive a child and be a mother"

Those words, are so striking and in that moment my voice faltered, my heart dropped.  It was as the wind had been knocked out of me all over again. I looked in the rear-view mirror at the almost 2 year old I was babysitting, next to me at her 11 year old brother, who didn't understand what was going on and I could not hold back the tears.  So many thoughts ran through my head, I'm like a second mother to so many children, a teacher, a mentor, and I hope a source of much joy and inspiration in so many little lives... and yet what I long for more then anything is to be called mommy.

I have devoted my life, to caring for these little blessings and I will continue to do so.  I know one day I will hear those words.  Perhaps not in the way I have always dreamed of but I know God has some greater plans.  After 2 days of crying, and nights of pain.... This song reminded me that GOD is merciful.  HE has a path for us, and all things will be revealed in the end. So now, my prayer and for those of you who pray for me.  Is that I would continue to feel God's peace on this roller-coaster.  My prayer is not that He would calm this storm, because that is a certainty for all storms have an ending.  My prayer is simply that I would be able to hold on to Him, to feel His comfort and continue to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a reason for this journey, and that all things will happen in time.  My prayer is that I would continue to see His blessings and that Kevin and I would know HIS Peace and direction.  That we would not try and end this on our own, trying to make things fit into our plans and our time, but instead that we would know and understand the steps to take that will continue us down His path.

For those of you struggling with this, I pray for you.  MY heart breaks for you, and I pray that you can find the Lords peace too.  That you can take courage and know that this time in your life is a Mercy in disguise.

More hope!

I saw a post on one of my support groups today.   A lady with my same "diagnosis". Was blogging her entire journey of trying to conceive.   She also had some awful experiences with reproductive endocrinologists and other doctors as well.   After much research on her own she decide as I have to turn to Eastern medicine specifically herbs and acupuncture!  She is now pregnant with Twins naturally!   I have found her journey inspiring and really enjoyed reading about it.   It does give me questions and I need to find a doctor to recheck my hormone levels because a large part of treatment and herbs is based on what they say.   But I just had to share!

 

belated Mothers Day Post

A friend sent this to me via email.


The wide spectrum of mothering
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food
stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we
mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and
disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t
mean to make this harder than it is
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit
with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your
experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of
motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who have aborted children - we remember them and you on this day
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn
that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be - we
grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and
remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate
with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have
real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
By Amy Young (http://messymiddle.com)

Laura Story: "Make Something Beautiful" (Great God Who Saves)

I referenced this Song in my precious post.  I think Laura Story is an incredible artist and God has spoken to me through her lyrics on numerous occasions but never like He did today.  Please listen to this song and share in my journey.

Making Something Beautiful

I had a hard conversation with a friend last night, and while the conversation wasn't long God used that moment, to point out to me how the Evil one was working on my heart and in my life.  I know there is nothing wrong with being a mom, and that is still my desire.  But I can't be so focused on that, that I forget what this time in my life means.  The LORD IS FAITHFUL!  I Know that I am going to be a mom, and while the past years of our marriage have been difficult with everything we have gone through trying to be parents I KNOW that God is growing us and grooming us.  If we had been able to have a child when we first started trying who knows where we would be.  In the past 6 years kevin and I have done a lot of soul searching, we moved back here to Colorado.  I spent 5 years at a job I loved working with kids who needed the love that I had to give (I know there is no way I would have been there if I had a kid, and I am not sure we would have moved back to colorado either).  In the past 6 years, while at times I feel so distant from my husband (as we have our struggles just like anyone else does on this journey through life called marriage), when I truly stop to think about it I know we are closer then we have ever been before, and probably closer then we ever would have been.  We are more committed then ever to make sure we have time for us as a couple.

 But even more then that, I have grown in my faith through all of this. I want to make it very clear, at times this journey has made me question and doubt.  When I hear about, or worked with children who were not receiving the love a parent should be giving to them my heart would break.  How could this person have a child, and me knowing I was and am meant to be a mom can't. I found myself in that low point doubting questioning and even shaking my fists and yelling at God. So if this is you and you are doubting or questioning where God is leading you or if He is even truly there I have been there.  All I can say to you is keep questioning.  There is nothing wrong with questioning God, you don't have to worry that He is going to get mad at you or leave you because you ask the hard questions.  It can be a very frustrating journey but the LORD OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL and ever present.  He can handle our big questions and our weak faith.  It was when I stopped questioning, and stopped asking that the Evil one began to work in my heart and turned my prayers.  When I first started this journey I would pray "God I don't understand, what are your plans for me"  then my prayers became "Father God make me a parent"... while this is not bad I realize now I have became so fixated on becoming a mom that the ONLY prayer I prayed was for that, that the only thing I have been thinking about is caring a baby, holding my baby, loving my baby.  It truly took a turn from something so beautiful and so innocent, a desire I have had since I was little to being an IDOL in my life.   But God has been working in my heart, and has been working in my life and I began yet again to question, and in my questioning I have found my answer.

Through the gentle reminders of one of the most amazing friends I have ever had last night God spoke to me.  HELLO DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!  I AM FAITHFUL, I AM HERE, I HAVE A PLAN.  I was reminded that throughout this time in my life I have had the opportunity to bless so many families that have needed my last minute help with their children, if I had kids of my own already I may not have been available its a whole lot harder to pick up and go stay at a friends house for a week to watch their kids when you already have one at home.  I have had the opportunity to house sit and to bless people by always being available.  My friendships have grown in a way that I don't think they would have if I had already been a mom.   More then all of this, or any of this I KNOW with all my heart today that GOD WILL USE US and this struggle to help and bless others in HIS NAME.  

So
I REJOICE oh Lord, for this time in my life.  Please let me never take it for granted that in your mighty and infinite wisdom you knew I was not ready to be a mom yet, that you have a plan for my life and that you are continually at work in it. Let my desire to be a mom be the one you have given me, and for me to have the wisdom and the knowledge to keep it where it needs to be so it does not become an idol before me but a promise from you, and a continual reminder of your faithfulness. YOU are the Maker and Creator and I know you have a plan.  So I faithfully give it all to you.  I surrender. Continue to speak in all of our hearts using one another to point out the idols that we might be putting in front of you and help us return to the balance that we are meant to have, with you at the top, the center, with you being the whole reason. I believe with all my heart that you revealed these lyrics to me this morning through an amazing artist and I thank you for using her as well to speak to me.... this OH Lord is my prayer!

 Take all of my life, all of my life,

And make something beautiful.

I open my hand, trusting Your plan.

Make something beautiful so all will see

Your work in me, as You make something beautiful

When I'm tired of pretending, and I can't recall my lines,

Do I say, I'm barely breathing, or just say, I'm doing fine.

I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,

But not at the risk of missing what You're doing with my life

All I know to do is lift my hands to You

- AMEN

Just a note, I woke up with these thoughts brewing in my head after my difficult conversation with a friend.  I turned on pandora and the VERY first song I heard is one I had never heard before.  The lyrics above that became my prayer is part of this song.   God is amazing isn't HE?  I hope that you will continue to seek him and that HE will meet you where you are.  That you might feel and experience the blessing in your life, and that you would ever know HIS presence.  I will attach the whole song to my blog but its  ~Make Something Beautiful ~ Laura Story

website

It has been a while since I've posted.  It feels like the words have either dried up or would be too repetitive to post so instead I sit here staring at my blank computer screen hoping God would give me something to say to encourage anyone who is reading this who is also going through infertility or has been there or even just something else to say, and instead this just stays blank.  A friend shared with me a website that I have been spending some time on and have found it very helpful.  So I wanted to share.  http://www.singingthroughtherain.net/2011/10/infertility-how-to-stay-positive-and-practical-tips-to-get-through-it.html.
 this article has some useful tips even for woman in general for how to handle hormone fluctuation and various things even if you aren't struggling specifically with infertility. Check it out! God Bless You!

Prayer

Father God,

I wanted to take a moment to pray today.  To pray for our children.  I know within my heart that you are going to bless us with children in your time.  I pray that when the time comes, you will bring us knowledge and wisdom.  That our children will grow deeper and deeper in love with you all the days of their lives.  That you would quickly win their hearts, and that they would seek to know you.  I pray that we would know how to be the best parents we can be, with you as our strength.  I ask that you continue preparing us, and grooming us so that your light can shine through us to our children as well as to anyone else around us.  Its in you I ask these things. Amen

Awesome God

God is Awesome!

I'm sure each of us have experienced this in different ways, but today it was like God smiled on me and just said.  Daughter its okay, I'm here with you just like always!

I started thinking last night, and woke up thinking this morning about the importance of changing our mind sets.  About being intentional that when I have negative thoughts, or worry that I remind myself.  I am a daughter of THE KING, I am in HIS hands constantly, and never alone.  TO remind myself that I am more then okay. I am great!  I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  I woke up feeling the peace of God in my heart, wanting desperately to remember to seek nothing more then to commune with Him daily.   

I thought about when I am feeling insecure, fearful, worried, or whatever else we might call it that we must remind ourselves that in Christ we are secure, we have nothing to fear, and He is in control. 

So its not just having these thoughts that I felt God smiling on me today.  You see as soon as I woke, I prayed a prayer over myself and my husband, a prayer I will share with you in a moment... and then when I got out of bed I heard the ring of a new email on my phone and this is what I read...

April 2, 2013 A New Pattern of Thought Renee Swope

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2 (NIV)

It's usually very subtle. I'll think about something I want to do or sense God calling me to, and a feeling of uncertainty comes over me. Doubt whispers You can't do that. You're not good enough. Out of the blue, I'll get that awful, insecure feeling.

Too many times in the past I've gone along. Without realizing it, I agreed with my insecurities.

 ......

.........

It takes time to replace our patterns of thought with God's thoughts. The ways of the world—fear and worry—are powerful forces. But God's Word trumps them, always. Today, let's be intentional to lay down self-doubts and replace them with truth, remembering "... he who began a good work in [us] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil. 1:16 ESV).
 

 If you would like to read the full article I will share it on my facebook page, but the point is that I felt God this morning, and then what I thought He was telling me, was affirmed in this Proverbs 31 ministry encouraging email I received!. 

So again I say GOD IS AWESOME!


Father God,  I lift to you each person who is reading this.  You know their silent struggles, and desperate longings.  You Lord know the inner most thoughts.  I pray that on THIS DAY they would know that we all struggle, we all doubt, we all have those hidden thoughts buried within but these thoughts, and this way of thinking is not of YOU.  I pray that in those moments of worry, doubt, fear your words of Truth would be heard in the ears, seen with their eyes and most importantly felt in their hearts.   May your words be on their lips and in their hearts and minds.  May we each find and hold on to your truths.  Father God, You are working in each of us, and we rejoice in this knowledge and take comfort in it. 

We are children of THE KING!  We seek your guidance in our steps that you would lead us to a place where you would have us be.  Guide us as parents, into a deeper knowledge and understanding of you and who you are so that we might teach our children to do the same.  Grow us in you, let our cups overflow that those around us might see you and know that YOU are whats different in us.  Teach us, so that we might in return be an example to our children, and to those around us. 

Grow our marriages Lord, that when people look at us, they see strength, love, and commitment that only comes through a marriage rooted and formed with a foundation of you.  That when our children, or other's children look at what a marriage should be they would see you and know the importance of you as a foundation. 

For those that are not married, or whose marriages are struggling Lord, lift them up, remind them they are not alone.  YOU OH LORD are with them.  Let us remember that according to your WORD we are all Brides of Christ.  Rejoice over us Lord like a bridegroom rejoices over His bride.  Strengthen our marriage with YOU.... build us in relationship with you, drawing us closer with you each day! USE us, that your LIGHT and YOUR LOVE might be seen to those around us. 

Hear the cries of your CHILDREN Lord, the deepest longings over their heart.  We rejoice in our ANSWERED prayers.  For you oh Lord answer EVERY PRAYER.  Give us the guidance and knowledge to remember that while things may not happen the way we think or the way we always want them to that we can find PEACE knowing that they are ANSWERED by you and for the Glory of you. 

Glory to God forever!
 

Peace

God has granted me PEACE today.  While I know that this journey is one that sometimes feels like a roller coaster  today I have PEACE. I know that God hears me, I know that He is listening and cares, and more then anything I know God has a plan.


Father God, I sing your praises, I rejoice in the perfect peace you have given me in this moment.  I know that there is a time for everything, and I know in my heart that you will answer our prayer!  I seek you and I WAIT for you to answer!  I LOVE YOU father, and I rejoice I celebrate with my family and friends rejoicing in your name! ~ Amen

Faith and Fear

Dear Lord, today I find myself struggling with doubt and fear and worry.  So many emotions that would strive to overcome the Hope that I have found in you.  Take these feelings away Lord.  I know you are in control.  I have faith in you and know of your promises.  You oh Lord are in control and I know you Will answer our prayer.  I rejoice in your faithfulness and your mercy.  Hear my cry oh Lord, take pity on me and bless me with a child.  YOU LORD are great, and worthy of all our praise. 


I have to remember that even with faith and trust comes doubt and worry.  These emotions are real, and we can use them to remind ourselves once more of God's faithfulness. To pray for Gods will to be done and to remember that even if we worry and have a moment of questioning or doubt that God is still faithful and He is still in control. 

I am reminded of Abraham and Sarah.  Abraham knew God would grant him a child, and still they doubted. Instead of relying on God's faithfulness, they choose to make it happen with their servant Hagar, in a sense to answer their own prayers.  Now I do not believe they were making the decision to turn from God and His faithfulness, but it is so easy to become blinded with desire and want to be in control.  Does that mean that God choose to not be faithful? No, we see that He still gave Sarah and Abraham Isaac.   You see God's faithfulness is unending, even when we are not faithful.  HIS Glory will be revealed.


Father I rejoice in you, in knowing that no matter what YOU will reveal your glory in our lives.  It is not because of our strength, or the things we do, but because of WHO YOU ARE!  You Lord are great!  Reveal your glory in our lives, use us. In you Lord, I find refuge and peace.  As it says in your world Lord, lead us into a deeper understanding and expression of your love.  Give to us the patient endurance, that can only come through Christ Jesus. For we know in YOUR time our prayers will be answered. Amen




May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.~2 Thessalonians 3:5 (New Living Translation)

For Gods Glory not my blessing

As I continue to pray for Gods hand in our life and for the incredible blessing of a child, I find myself convicted.  I find myself convicted to check myself, to be aware of what I am thinking and feeling and why.  I want to make sure that nothing I am not praying out of pride, or with arrogance.  Those of you who know me are probably thinking, as my husband stated "that wouldn't even be an issue with you".   He and you might be correct, but I also don't want to come across that way.  More then that I want to continually make sure that through this whole thing no matter what happens that people will see GOD's power, mercy, and love.  I want people to look at Him for the blessing rather then at me for how I have been blessed.  I don't know if this even makes any sense or if I am stating it clearly.  I wanted to write a post about these feelings so that I would have them somewhere that I could look back on and remember.  Our God is great, and yes while I am asking Him to bless me I never want to forget whats most important, and to forget why things happen.  I was touched and reminded again through the sermon yesterday that while sometimes the sickness or trails we go through in our lives are a direct result of sin more often they are a means for God to reveal His    Glory to the world. So while I have struggled for years and years wondering if this infertility was some how a result of me being unworthy, or not good enough, or questioning why would God choose me to bless... I realize now more then ever that it is God using me, and I want to have the faithfulness of Job through this time so that God's Glory will be revealed!  That people will see how He is working in me and how He can work in them!  God is awesome and is worthy of our praise!!

I come to you Great God to rejoice in your faithfulness.  I seek you in this time, seek more knowledge and truth.  The more we learn of your ways, the more we can teach of them to others.  We seek your blessing in our lives, that you would hear the desperate cries of my heart and would bless us with children.  Healthy children that we can raise to know of your Glory.  We pray that you would reveal your Glory to the world.  That when people see our lives they would know of your faithfulness and mercy and that they would be drawn to YOU!  We are your faithful servants and we rejoice, we rejoice in your unending love and your Great BLESSINGS! ~Amen

Heartache and Hope

For as long as I can remember I have dreamed of being a mother.  I dreamed of holding my child in my arms, of rocking my child, praying for my child, and teaching my child to love the Lord.  I have always dreamed of the day that I would be called Momma.  Over 6 years ago now my hopes came crashing down when I was diagnosed with Ovarian Failure and told that I would most likely never be able to conceive a child.  While I know there are other ways to have a child, and have always wanted to adopt, I now find myself more then ever longing to carry a child in my womb, to feel the kicks of tiny feet, to experience the sickness that one goes through with life growing inside.

As I look through the bible I come across so many stories, the stories of Sarah Elizabeth and Hannah (to name a few).  So many women of the bible found themselves in the same shoes that I find myself now.  Barren unable for whatever reason to experience pregnancy and child birth.  Yet I look at these woman EVERY single one of them has one thing in common... God heard their prayers, and blessed them. 

So why if these are the examples that have been given to me have I truly felt it wasn't going to happen.  Sure I would say "with God anything is possible" and I believed it, yet I still found myself asking questions like "who am I, to be given such a blessing", "why when there are so many women who are in my shoes would he choose to bless me", and thinking "I know Ill be a mom someday... but I  I had convinced myself that it will never happen to me, through pregnancy.

Let me dispel any rumors now, no I am not pregnant... Yet.  I have recently felt more challenged then ever to step out in faith and pray that God would bless me.  That he would bless me the way he blessed Sarah, Elizabeth and Hannah.  I know in my heart I am meant to be a mother, and I have found hope in the stories of the woman of faith who have come before us.  Our God is great! I speak now in faith that God will hear my prayer.

My heart cries out to the Lord, for He is great!

I rejoice in the deliverance I have found through him, for He has always been faithful!

Creator of all things, I give to you my heart, my desires and dreams. 

You Lord know the plans for me, and for that I am most thankful.  

I seek your blessing on our life Lord, the blessings my sisters Hannah, Elizabeth and Sarah received from you!  Open my womb as you did theirs, and bless us with healthy children.  Children that we might raise up to know you, and to love as you have called us to love.  Count each hair on their heads, knitting them together in my womb with great love and care.  

Take the doubt away from me Lord, and remind me constantly of your many blessings.  Continue filling me with your hope and peace.  You oh Lord are my stronghold.  We rejoice in you and in our answered prayers!  ~Amen