I know with all my heart, God answers prayers.
Our small group has started a study on the book "Praying For Your Elephant: Boldly Approaching Jesus with Radical and Audacious Prayer" Through my personal study of this book I have been overcome with conviction. In the 8 years of going through this journey of infertility I have prayed many many prayers. Prayers for God's will to be done, prayers for him to take the pain away, prayers for peace. But in 8 years I have never been able to speak the words that I desperately want to speak "Lord open my womb, take this barrenness from me as you did for Hannah and so many other women in the bible. Make my womb a health environment to grow a healthy baby, a child that we can raise to know you and your love." My heart has been convicted that while prayers for God's will to be done, and prayers for our adoption goals, and prayers that God will grant us a child are fantastic prayers to pray, I have found that these are prayers I hide behind, these are prayers that are easy. You see when I personally pray these prayers, I do want them to happen but I had behind them. Let me explain, by praying the prayer for example "Lord your will be done" when it comes to me having a baby one day. Regardless of what happens, and even if it never happens I have given myself the ability to say guess it wasn't the Lords will, and to just be ok with that. The challenge to pray the above prayer I mentioned is what does it mean if God chooses to say no to this prayer, and where do I go with that. I have come to understand that for me to pray the prayer "your will be done" takes little faith, and little courage. Because I know God is there, he is moving and he answers prayer. But to pray this bold and very specific prayer, one that I want a very specific answer to, that takes courage and real faith.
So in the last couple of weeks, I have found myself overcome with fear, feeling hopeless and empty. Frozen and too afraid to speak these words. While at our small group last night we began talking more about "praying for our elephants" and I found myself truly convicted. I feel CALLED to pray this prayer, and to have others pray this prayer. As I woke this morning I was looking to clean out my bookshelf and I found a book I bought a while back and I started reading "A Woman's Heart That Dances". By the time I finished the first chapter I realized... GOD IS CALLING ME TO DANCE! Its not about the answer to the prayer, its about reaching out taking His hand and leaning on Him. Its about truly giving Him this journey and letting him take the lead in this dance. He has already asked me to dance, and has been asking me to. Its about admitting "Lord I am afraid" but taking the step anyway.
So here I am, asking you to come along side me. Help me pray this prayer. Find courage in your heart if you have an Elephant that you need to pray for to step out and do so. Regardless of what the answer is I understand now, after 8 years that it is a DANCE that the Lord is calling me to with him, and its a beautiful (although I am immediately still afraid) dance. I know that it may not end the way I hope or desire it to, but to miss this opportunity to dance with the Lord, because of fear of how the dance will end....Now that would be the true tragedy.
Dance with me Lord,
I am here, ready to dance. I ask that you would open my womb, creating a healthy safe place, for you to knit YOUR CHILD together. That I would be able to carry this child full term and to raise her knowing who you are and about how this all started by you asking me to dance. Give me peace and courage to take this dance with you, and many more dances to come. ~ Amen
