Making Something Beautiful

I had a hard conversation with a friend last night, and while the conversation wasn't long God used that moment, to point out to me how the Evil one was working on my heart and in my life.  I know there is nothing wrong with being a mom, and that is still my desire.  But I can't be so focused on that, that I forget what this time in my life means.  The LORD IS FAITHFUL!  I Know that I am going to be a mom, and while the past years of our marriage have been difficult with everything we have gone through trying to be parents I KNOW that God is growing us and grooming us.  If we had been able to have a child when we first started trying who knows where we would be.  In the past 6 years kevin and I have done a lot of soul searching, we moved back here to Colorado.  I spent 5 years at a job I loved working with kids who needed the love that I had to give (I know there is no way I would have been there if I had a kid, and I am not sure we would have moved back to colorado either).  In the past 6 years, while at times I feel so distant from my husband (as we have our struggles just like anyone else does on this journey through life called marriage), when I truly stop to think about it I know we are closer then we have ever been before, and probably closer then we ever would have been.  We are more committed then ever to make sure we have time for us as a couple.

 But even more then that, I have grown in my faith through all of this. I want to make it very clear, at times this journey has made me question and doubt.  When I hear about, or worked with children who were not receiving the love a parent should be giving to them my heart would break.  How could this person have a child, and me knowing I was and am meant to be a mom can't. I found myself in that low point doubting questioning and even shaking my fists and yelling at God. So if this is you and you are doubting or questioning where God is leading you or if He is even truly there I have been there.  All I can say to you is keep questioning.  There is nothing wrong with questioning God, you don't have to worry that He is going to get mad at you or leave you because you ask the hard questions.  It can be a very frustrating journey but the LORD OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL and ever present.  He can handle our big questions and our weak faith.  It was when I stopped questioning, and stopped asking that the Evil one began to work in my heart and turned my prayers.  When I first started this journey I would pray "God I don't understand, what are your plans for me"  then my prayers became "Father God make me a parent"... while this is not bad I realize now I have became so fixated on becoming a mom that the ONLY prayer I prayed was for that, that the only thing I have been thinking about is caring a baby, holding my baby, loving my baby.  It truly took a turn from something so beautiful and so innocent, a desire I have had since I was little to being an IDOL in my life.   But God has been working in my heart, and has been working in my life and I began yet again to question, and in my questioning I have found my answer.

Through the gentle reminders of one of the most amazing friends I have ever had last night God spoke to me.  HELLO DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!  I AM FAITHFUL, I AM HERE, I HAVE A PLAN.  I was reminded that throughout this time in my life I have had the opportunity to bless so many families that have needed my last minute help with their children, if I had kids of my own already I may not have been available its a whole lot harder to pick up and go stay at a friends house for a week to watch their kids when you already have one at home.  I have had the opportunity to house sit and to bless people by always being available.  My friendships have grown in a way that I don't think they would have if I had already been a mom.   More then all of this, or any of this I KNOW with all my heart today that GOD WILL USE US and this struggle to help and bless others in HIS NAME.  

So
I REJOICE oh Lord, for this time in my life.  Please let me never take it for granted that in your mighty and infinite wisdom you knew I was not ready to be a mom yet, that you have a plan for my life and that you are continually at work in it. Let my desire to be a mom be the one you have given me, and for me to have the wisdom and the knowledge to keep it where it needs to be so it does not become an idol before me but a promise from you, and a continual reminder of your faithfulness. YOU are the Maker and Creator and I know you have a plan.  So I faithfully give it all to you.  I surrender. Continue to speak in all of our hearts using one another to point out the idols that we might be putting in front of you and help us return to the balance that we are meant to have, with you at the top, the center, with you being the whole reason. I believe with all my heart that you revealed these lyrics to me this morning through an amazing artist and I thank you for using her as well to speak to me.... this OH Lord is my prayer!

 Take all of my life, all of my life,

And make something beautiful.

I open my hand, trusting Your plan.

Make something beautiful so all will see

Your work in me, as You make something beautiful

When I'm tired of pretending, and I can't recall my lines,

Do I say, I'm barely breathing, or just say, I'm doing fine.

I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,

But not at the risk of missing what You're doing with my life

All I know to do is lift my hands to You

- AMEN

Just a note, I woke up with these thoughts brewing in my head after my difficult conversation with a friend.  I turned on pandora and the VERY first song I heard is one I had never heard before.  The lyrics above that became my prayer is part of this song.   God is amazing isn't HE?  I hope that you will continue to seek him and that HE will meet you where you are.  That you might feel and experience the blessing in your life, and that you would ever know HIS presence.  I will attach the whole song to my blog but its  ~Make Something Beautiful ~ Laura Story